光阴集 2024 The Gilded Years 2024 第 04 篇 Section 04
四月 我要的幸福 April: The Happiness I Want
返回 光阴集 2024 Back to The Gilded Years 2024这个年琐绪甚多，第一个迈过20岁大关的人生充满了压力与探索的欲望。发现自己正是那个知道自己上错了车却没有勇气下车的人，当我意识到自己上错了车，却反复多次地对自己说：试试呢，没准也可以。没有第一时间下车的后果是离目的地越来越偏离，直到最后渐渐迷失最初的方向。
This past New Year was cluttered with trivial anxieties; entering the uncharted territory of my twenties for the first time was filled with pressure and a relentless itch to explore. I discovered that I was precisely the kind of person who realizes he has boarded the wrong train, yet lacks the courage to disembark. Even when I knew full well it was the wrong train, I told myself repeatedly: “Why not give it a shot? Maybe it’ll work out.” The consequence of failing to get off immediately is drifting further and further from one’s true destination, until one gradually loses sight of the original direction entirely.
说实话现在我的生活留给一个女生的空间很小。当一个女生在短时间内迅速且深入进入我的生活，我会不可避免感到抵触，而且由于女生在原本我的生活中份额不大，生活将会不可避免地被重新调整。最后，一开始认识的新鲜感会迅速消失，转为漫长的相互妥协。
To be honest, the space my current life reserves for a romantic partner is extraordinarily cramped. When a girl enters my life rapidly and deeply in a short span of time, I inevitably experience resistance; and because romantic interests originally commanded such a modest share of my life, my daily existence is inevitably thrown into drastic reconfiguration. In the end, the initial thrill of novelty rapidly evaporates, devolving into a long period of mutual compromise.
最近在看女权主义的书，其实给男生也能有很多启发。事实上女权主义主张的是平权，不只是保护女性的权利，她们也在间接帮助男性找回他们的权利。比如审美多元化，还比如重塑当代婚恋观念。现在是信息时代了，不需要男生整天卖力气，也不需要女生整天纺织女红。生产力的解放已经带来了婚恋关系的自由化，但是我们很多人不会把握这来之不易的自由，并且传统观念仍在阻碍婚恋关系的进一步完善。于是，自由就发展为滥情、闪恋。
Recently, I’ve been reading feminist literature, which in truth offers abundant enlightenment for men as well. Feminism ultimately champions equal rights; it does not merely protect women’s rights, but indirectly assists men in reclaiming their own. Examples include aesthetic pluralism and the reshaping of contemporary perspectives on love and marriage. In an information age, men no longer need to spend all day doing physical labor, nor do women need to spend their lives weaving and embroidering. The liberation of productive forces has ushered in greater freedom in relationships, yet many of us do not know how to handle this hard-won liberty, and traditional dogma continues to hinder the maturation of intimacy. Consequently, freedom degenerates into promiscuity and revolving-door romances.
波伏娃曾言：“事实上，人应该贡献一生去探索为什么活着，在得出结论之前，永远不要把任何东西看成是已经给定的，而要通过爱的行动和不断更新的意愿去建立自己的价值观。”
Simone de Beauvoir once wrote: “Indeed, one should dedicate one’s life to exploring why one is alive; before reaching a conclusion, one must never take anything as already given, but build one’s values through acts of love and continually renewed wills.”
其实答案已经很明显了：要爱、就去爱具体的人。从酒精的幻梦中总结出的真理，至今回响。妙手偶得。只要头颈依旧昂扬，不去辜负远方那恣意的绿，我的青春便从来不肯认输。
In truth, the answer is already self-evident: if you want to love, love concrete individuals. That truth, distilled from the hazy reveries of alcohol, echoes to this day—a stroke of unexpected inspiration. As long as my chin remains tilted high, refusing to squander that wild green expanse in the distance, my youth will never concede defeat.
“幸福，我要的幸福，在不远处！”继续出发吧，无论多么狼狈颓唐，世界上总有一盏灯，始终为我而亮着。这也是她希望看到的我。
“Happiness, the happiness I crave, is not far away!” Set off once again: no matter how battered or despondent, there is always a lamp kept burning for me in the world. That, too, is the version of me she wished to see.
2021.1.16，高中第一次哭泣的前夜，一日孤身，见到图书馆的光时内心瞬间温暖，眼泪决堤。
January 16, 2021: the eve of my very first tears in high school. After an entire day alone, the moment I saw the warm lights of the library, warmth flooded my chest, and the dam of tears broke.