光阴集 2024 The Gilded Years 2024 第 03 篇 Section 03
二-三月 爱欲的消逝，无欲之悲歌 February–March: The Disappearance of Eros, an Elegy for the Absence of Desire
返回 光阴集 2024 Back to The Gilded Years 2024如果说小学时找女朋友我会说希望她会和我一起玩游戏；中学时找女朋友我会列出很多的条件，想象很多未来一起经历的事。一言以蔽：追求“灵魂伴侣”。现在到了大学，我猛然发现：别说追求灵魂伴侣了，能看相似的书、刷相似的剧、听相似的歌都成为了一种奢望，遑论兴趣爱好、三观、家境等都要相近。加上平时生活圈子不可避免的局限，与其说是我放弃了恋爱，不消说是我所期待的恋爱放弃了我。
If in elementary school looking for a girlfriend meant hoping she would play video games with me, and in middle school it meant drafting long checklists and fantasizing about countless future milestones together—in short, the pursuit of a “soulmate”—now in university, I have abruptly realized: never mind a soulmate, even finding someone who reads similar books, watches similar shows, and listens to similar music has become an exquisite luxury, let alone expecting aligned hobbies, values, and family backgrounds. Compounded by the inevitable narrowness of daily routines, rather than saying I gave up on romance, it is more accurate to say the romance I envisioned gave up on me.
回顾青春期以来对异性亲密关系看法的不断变化，我发现随着年龄增长，我们接触的事物变得多样化，我对恋爱的期望也从单一的层次（打游戏）、模糊的需求（中学校园恋爱终究是脱离社会的、不可避免的短视的），转化为如今大学生复杂的、具体的需求。于是乎我越发了解什么是恋爱，却越发难以谈到真正的恋爱。
Reviewing the constant shifts in my outlook on romantic intimacy since adolescence, I notice that as we age and our horizons broaden, my romantic expectations evolved from a singular dimension (gaming) and fuzzy longings (middle school romance is inevitably disconnected from reality and shortsighted) into the intricate, hyper-specific demands of a college student today. Thus, the more clearly I understand what romance entails, the harder it becomes to experience genuine love.
近期最让我感到沮丧的时刻是什么呢，假期中无意间翻到了高中女神的网易云音乐账号，作为中英韩三语流行的小小爱好者，虽不算精通，但主流的歌手基本都顺过耳朵。但网易云音乐告诉我：我与她共同听过3首歌……这里不想讨论各个音乐圈的高低（流行肯定是鄙视链最底端的），只是惊诧于当代年轻人在互联网算法的影响下能形成如此大的兴趣分歧，其他的领域亦然。这种现象无疑是给年轻人之间破冰造成了极大阻碍。
What was the most disheartening moment recently? During the holiday, I stumbled across my high school crush’s NetEase Cloud Music profile. As a casual listener of Chinese, English, and Korean pop, though far from a connoisseur, I have at least listened to most mainstream artists. Yet NetEase informed me: she and I had exactly three songs in common… I have no desire to debate the cultural hierarchies of various music circles (pop is undeniably at the bottom of the pecking order); I was merely stunned by how drastically the internet algorithm can splinter the tastes of contemporary youth, and the same holds true across other spheres. This phenomenon poses a colossal barrier to breaking the ice among young people.
偌大的互联网上，总能找到适合自己安营扎寨的土地；我们在互联网上取消了整个“人”的生活方式，转而以一个个附属于自己的“元素”为互联网外表。在这里不想赘述阅读的很多社会学理论，只是越发担忧书中“爱欲的消逝”会实实在在发生在我的身上。也可能，我只是单纯因为在上一段恋爱中太过于失望了吧。
Across the vast expanse of cyberspace, one can always find a niche patch of earth to pitch one’s tent. Online, we have dissolved the unified lifestyle of a whole “person,” assembling an exterior persona from disparate, branded “tags.” I won’t rehash sociological theories here, but I increasingly fear that the “agony of eros” depicted in books will truly take root within me. Or perhaps, I was simply crushed by sheer disappointment in my previous relationship.
现在分手之后才发现，大学里许多人萍水相逢，无需相识。人和人之间，有过一些瞬间就好了。我喜欢与陌生人灵魂碰撞，发现彼此有如此多的共同点。也许他会跟我分享他除此之外更精彩、更绚烂、更不羁的人生，让我能够身临其境体会到人生的无限的可能性。尽管独自旅行，有的时候会觉得有一点孤单。但所有时间都是属于我的，我完全自由。
Only after breaking up did I discover that many people met in college are merely passing ships in the night; there is no need to truly know them. Between souls, sharing a few fleeting sparks is enough. I love collisions of spirit with strangers, discovering unexpected common ground. Perhaps they will regale me with a life far more spectacular, radiant, and untamed than mine, allowing me to vicariously taste existence’s limitless possibilities. Though traveling alone can feel solitary at times, all the hours belong entirely to me; I am wholly free.
我知道亲密关系的生成多半需要一方或双方的迁就。但是目前我基本不会乐意这种迁就。想起以前xy姐给我分享某首歌时，我当时很忙完全没有细嚼慢咽一首歌的心情，只能很勉强搜索枯肠尽力回应她，自己很累，似乎她也不甚满意我的理解。我只想真心相处，没必要迎合对方。该感兴趣的总会感兴趣，不感兴趣也不必否定其为人。何况是看不见对方表情，不知道对方正在忙什么的微信上。我称之为，我的直男化。
I know that the emergence of intimacy usually demands compromise from one or both parties. But currently, I have virtually no appetite for such accommodation. I remember when Sister XY once shared a song with me: I was very busy, lacking any headspace to slowly digest a track, and could only rack my brain to formulate a strained response. I felt exhausted, and she seemed dissatisfied with my take. I only wish to connect with authentic sincerity; there is no need to bend over backward to please someone. What is meant to spark interest will spark interest naturally; what fails to interest someone shouldn’t disqualify their character—especially over WeChat, where you cannot read facial expressions or know what the other person is busy with. I call this my “straight-guy-ification.”
“我认可平凡生活的意义，我看得见那其中井然有序的幸福，但我血液中总烧灼着、呼喊着一种桀骜不驯的野望，在简单而幸福的日子里如警报般作响。我渴望着更加危险的生活，并为此随时做好准备，去踏上一条充满嶙峋怪石与暗礁险滩的征途，以谋求潜在的变迁，还有那未知的冒险。”
“I recognize the meaning of an ordinary life; I see the orderly bliss nestled within it. Yet in my veins there always burns and clamors an untamable ambition, blaring like a siren through simple and tranquil days. I yearn for a more perilous existence, and stand ready at any moment to embark upon a path strewn with jagged rocks and hidden shoals, pursuing potential transformations and unknown adventures.”
祝愿我往后的生活，能在喜欢里得到力量和快乐，而不是花光了力量和快乐去喜欢。 最后，去勇敢，去拥抱吧。
May my future life draw strength and joy from what I love, rather than draining all strength and joy merely to love. Finally: be brave, and go embrace the world.