苇草集 2022 Reeds in the Wind 2022 第 03 篇 Section 03
二月 辛丑这一年 February: The Year of Xinchou
返回 苇草集 2022 Back to Reeds in the Wind 2022“一切文学，余爱以血书者。”——尼采
“Of all writings I love only that which is written with blood.” — Nietzsche
一年前做庚子年总结时，我给我自己打了70～75分。
A year ago, when doing my summary for the year of Gengzi, I gave myself a score of 70 to 75 points.
庚子年我挺过了网课感情纠葛的考验，在四次期中期末考中每次稳居全班前十，还拿了一次学习标兵奖，高二上期末年级124。虽有些遗憾，但我仍以为年级前60的目标在新一年将唾手可得。
During the Gengzi year, I survived the trials of online-class emotional entanglements, solidly maintained a spot within the class top ten across all four midterm and final exams, received an Academic Model Student award, and placed 124th in the grade at the end of the first semester of my second year of senior high school. Though tinged with minor regrets, I still believed that my goal of entering the grade’s top sixty would be easily within reach in the coming year.
与此同时，合格性考试时我见到了初中女神，用30min的时间和我最初的梦想说了声再见。从那天起，我逐渐走出了分班的不适，积极投身到新一天的生活中。
At the same time, during the academic proficiency exams, I crossed paths with my junior high goddess and spent thirty minutes bidding farewell to my very first dream. From that day forth, I gradually moved past the discomfort of class reassignments and threw myself actively into each new day of living.
总之，不是最理想，有些艰难但踌躇满志。就这样来到了辛丑年。
In short: not entirely ideal, somewhat arduous, yet brimming with high hopes. And so arrived the year of Xinchou.
辛丑年的开年状态并不算太好，期初和月考都在班级10～15名左右徘徊，虽说都是小考试，但这对于当时的我显然不太能接受的。更为严重的是，昔日追求初中女神时的情敌兼室友、一向式微的Y同学突然爆发，冲进年级前十（日后被证明是作弊，最终吃到处分）。我也许可以接受高中同学的强势，但是当初中时的“手下败将”烨然于学霸之林，我脆弱的自信瞬间遭受到了前所未有的冲击。我开始怀疑自己，每日制定不切实际的计划，在一次次制定与未完成中饱受内心的煎熬。“惶恐”“焦虑”是我自身定位崩塌的必然表现。
The opening of the Xinchou year did not begin well. Across the start-of-term test and monthly exam, I hovered around 10th to 15th in the class; though they were only minor tests, to the person I was then, it was evidently hard to swallow. Far more critically, classmate Y—a former roommate and rival who had competed for the affection of my junior high goddess, and who had always lagged behind academically—suddenly exploded into the grade’s top ten (later proven to be cheating, which ultimately resulted in disciplinary action). Perhaps I could have accepted the prowess of my high school peers, but when someone whom I had once bested in middle school shone brightly amidst the forest of top scholars, my fragile confidence suffered an unprecedented shock. I began doubting myself, drawing up unrealistic daily plans, and suffering intense internal anguish through cycle after cycle of setting goals and failing to meet them. “Dread” and “anxiety” were the inevitable manifestations of my collapsing self-definition.
3-4月同时进入这一年的另一大议题：遇见了高中女神。在告别初中女神后，为了安抚自己的焦虑，我本能的把两次小考的失利归咎到女神的缺位上（没错，现在看真的很幼稚），样貌出众、成绩优异的她正是在这个时候全面介入我的内心。与C同学的青梅竹马不同，我对她的追求是典型的单相思，甚至有些卑躬屈膝。在日记本上我将她称为“在苏高中的最大意义”“MY LORD（主人公）”，为其一颦一笑而动容，为其成绩优异而黯然神伤…
March and April ushered in another major theme of the year: meeting my high school goddess. After parting ways with my junior high goddess, in an instinctual effort to soothe my anxiety, I blamed my poor performances in the two minor exams on the absence of a muse (yes, in hindsight, it was terribly childish). Endowed with striking looks and stellar grades, she swept entirely into my inner world at this exact juncture. Unlike my childhood-sweetheart camaraderie with classmate C, my pursuit of her was quintessential unrequited love, bordering even on obsequiousness. In my diary, I dubbed her “the greatest purpose of my time at Suzhou High School” and “MY LORD (protagonist),” moved by her every smile and frown, and sinking into private sorrow whenever her academic achievements shone bright…
4月24日，在兄弟“青春不留遗憾”的鼓励下，我进行了人生中对女生首次表白追求，不幸失败。其后十天的大段emo现在仍历历在目（下选录几句）：
“告别该有的脆弱，放生无罪的困惑。虽难免失魂落魄，但至少我曾来过。愿你在未来的日子里，说说笑笑、跑跑跳跳。马尔克斯的一句话真好：春天总是一去不返，最疯狂执着的爱情也终究是过眼烟云…再见了…”
On April 24, encouraged by a close friend’s urging that “youth should leave no regrets,” I made the very first confession and pursuit of a girl in my life, which unfortunately failed. The vast torrent of emo spirals that engulfed the subsequent ten days remains vivid in my mind (a few lines excerpted below):
“Bidding farewell to the vulnerability that ought to be, releasing the blameless perplexity. Though dispirited and lost, at least I was once here. May you, in the days ahead, chatter and laugh, run and leap. How true are Gabriel García Márquez’s words: spring always passes never to return, and even the most frantic, obsessive love is ultimately a fleeting cloud of smoke… Farewell…”
那时消沉之可见一斑。
The depth of my dejection at that time was readily apparent.
几天后的期中考，由于五一假期深夜emo+刷剧，考出班级21名的劣等成绩。此后的5-6月乃至暑假可谓高中的“长夜”：我从未同时受到成绩和感情的打击。每日浑浑噩噩的学习，其实心态和效率已经很不行了。即使月考凭借好运重回前十，但期末考再度崩盘：31名。就这样，本学期的大考以21、31名的惨淡成绩收场。
A few days later came the midterm exam. Owing to late-night emo brooding and binge-watching shows during the May Day holiday, I plummeted to an abysmal 21st in class. The ensuing months of May and June, extending through the summer vacation, constituted the “long night” of my high school years: never before had I suffered blows to both my grades and my emotions simultaneously. Trudging through each day in a daze, my mindset and efficiency had already deteriorated severely. Even though good fortune propelled me back into the top ten on a monthly exam, the final exam collapsed once more: 31st place. And so, the major exams of that semester drew to a close with the bleak record of 21st and 31st.
暑假回老家时，姐姐问我现在大概水平是怎样，我支吾着竟不知如何回答。在迎接高三的这个暑假，我痛定思痛，开始尝试重塑心态，学着接纳自己的不足，同时学着欣赏自己和别人的优点。
When returning to my hometown during summer vacation, my older sister asked where my academic level currently stood, and I stammered, at a complete loss for how to respond. In this summer on the eve of senior year, I reflected bitterly upon my failures and began striving to remodel my mindset—learning to accept my shortcomings while simultaneously appreciating my own strengths alongside those of others.
不久后，网课与TACA集训接踵而至，高三就在如此喧闹中拉开了序幕…
Before long, online classes and TACA intensive training arrived one after another, and senior year raised its curtain amidst such clamor…
我是以悲观的心态迎接高三的。
I greeted my senior year with a pessimistic mindset.
高三前那个暑假的效率并不高，作业等到网课时犹剩一半，而网课时受网课和TACA夹击，累到基本崩溃，并沉迷于狼人杀。8月底开学考试果不其然再次一溃千里。
My efficiency during the summer before senior year was not high; half the holiday homework remained untouched by the time online classes commenced, and caught in the pincer movement between virtual schooling and TACA, I was pushed to near-exhaustion and grew addicted to Werewolf. Unsurprisingly, the late-August school-opening exam was another complete debacle.
将眼光放长，从上学期开学到如今期初考整整七个月的六次大考小考，其中五次冲击前十的路上铩羽而归。肉眼可见水平退化到了班级平均分水平——甚至比高一上的恋爱时的水平还差。从前的前十常客，如今沦为难求二进宫的选手。
Taking a broader view across the six major and minor exams over the seven months from the start of the previous semester to that start-of-term test, five attempts to break into the top ten had ended in utter defeat. My performance had visibly degraded to the class average—worse even than during the period when I was dating in the first semester of my first year of senior high school. A former regular of the top ten had now been reduced to someone struggling to make a second appearance.
改变发生在生日那一周。
The transformation unfolded during the week of my birthday.
9月13号周一，获得高三buff：双人宿舍，从此宿舍效率大大提高；13、14号zty、djy的礼物纷纷来到，兄弟的友谊为这个没有女朋友一起过的生日带来一丝慰藉；而十七岁的最终结束，则在于15号晚上：那个烟雨朦胧的夜晚，我在操场上叫住高中女神，在十七岁的最后一天对她告别。也许很幼稚，但一大心结从那天起，是大大地化开了。16日生日当天语文作文、数学考试、地理考试，我用出色的三个全班前三打好了18岁第一仗。
On Monday, September 13, I received a Grade 12 buff: a double-occupancy dorm room, which dramatically boosted dorm efficiency from then on; on the 13th and 14th, gifts from zty and djy arrived, the camaraderie of brothers providing a tender solace for a birthday spent without a girlfriend; and the definitive end of age seventeen arrived on the night of the 15th: on that misty, rain-swept evening, I called out to my high school goddess on the athletic track and bade her farewell on the final day of being seventeen. It might have been naive, but from that day forward, a heavy knot in my chest was substantially untied. On my actual birthday, September 16, across the Chinese essay, mathematics exam, and geography exam, I fought the opening battle of being eighteen with three top-three finishes in class.
接下来9月底的奥体中心运动会上，我更是见到初中时关系超级好的历史沈老师，与他交谈甚欢。沈老师厚厚的镜片下，似乎反射出对这个昔日园区校三次年级第二的pzx的期许与鼓励，我大受鼓舞。
Next, at the late-September sports meet in the Olympic Sports Center, I ran into Teacher Shen, my junior high history teacher with whom I shared a wonderful bond, and we chatted with great warmth. Beneath Teacher Shen’s thick spectacles seemed to gleam the unspoken hopes and encouragement for this pzx who had thrice claimed second place in the grade at the Industrial Park campus, and I felt immensely inspired.
高三的另一大议题是与老师同学关系的改善。因为分班的缘故，高二的几位老师或多或少都对我们班疏于关注，甚至于有两位老师备课都不甚认真。而本学期很高兴能遇见章顾陈三位新老师，她们的认真负责让我的数学英语生物都迎来了质的飞跃。同时，和10班同学关系随着时间推移以及主动融入大家的圈子变得越来越好，浓厚的归属感让我在疲惫时总能再次充满力量。经过9月一系列事件，我真正扫除了旧日的阴霾，进入了高三学习的状态。
Another major milestone of senior year was improving relations with teachers and classmates. Owing to class redivisions, several teachers in my second year of senior high school had, to varying degrees, neglected our class; two had even been less than conscientious in preparing lessons. This semester, however, I was fortunate to meet three new teachers—Zhang, Gu, and Chen—whose dedication and diligence fueled a qualitative leap in my mathematics, English, and biology. Concurrently, my bonds with classmates in Class 10 deepened as time passed and as I proactively integrated into the collective; a profound sense of belonging consistently recharged my strength whenever exhaustion loomed. Through the sequence of events in September, I truly swept away old shadows and stepped squarely into the rhythm of senior-year preparation.
这些改变的影响是显而易见的。10月月考我时隔四月重返班级20名内，而在紧接着11月的期中统考，我成功重回年级前十，取得第七名的好成绩。回到1月份时位比25%以内！由此，我辛丑年的另一大心结也被解开，久违的自信不断回归！
The fruits of these shifts were unmistakable. In the October monthly exam, after a four-month absence, I rejoined the class top twenty; and in the subsequent November unified midterm, I successfully broke back into the grade’s top ten, securing an outstanding 7th place—returning to a relative ranking within the top 25%, as in January! With this, another deep-seated complex from the Xinchou year was unraveled, and long-lost confidence surged back into my veins!
期中考后，我从与初中女神的交流中调整好高三的心态。两个月来的种种不但从根本击碎了我对J同学这个自我“符号”最后的一点留恋，更让我明白学习的最终目的：更广阔的平台、更辽远的眼界、更优秀的同学！
Following the midterm exam, conversations with my junior high goddess helped calibrate my mindset for senior year. Everything that transpired over those two months not only shattered the last lingering attachment to classmate J as a personalized “symbol,” but also illuminated the ultimate destination of learning: a broader platform, a vastly wider horizon, and far more exceptional peers!
跨年时，djy送我了一本《卢克文作品2021》，这不仅是我俩友谊的见证，他也委婉地规劝我：多看看书，少看看手机。卢克文在这本书的前言中写道：“再有天赋的人，如果没有自律的人生，三年后就会被努力的人打败，十年后就会泯然众人。”是啊，我常常渴望通过一次次上滑证明“我在”的成立，却又会在熄灭屏幕的那一刹那陷入更大的虚无。从2022年起，我立志远离无用的信息，同时发掘手机的最大作用。我想，这是迈向成功的必由之路。
On New Year’s Eve, djy gifted me a copy of Works of Lu Kewen 2021. Beyond serving as a testament to our friendship, it was his gentle admonition: read more books, look less at your phone. Lu Kewen wrote in the foreword: “No matter how talented someone may be, without a disciplined life, they will be outpaced by hardworking people in three years, and fade into absolute mediocrity in ten.” Indeed, I frequently craved proving my “existence” through endless upward swipes, only to tumble into an even deeper void the moment the screen went dark. From 2022 onward, I resolved to distance myself from vacuous noise while harnessing my phone for its most fruitful utility. I believe this is an indispensable prerequisite for success.
在刚刚结束的期末考试，我幸运考到了班级前三。迟到了一年，终于进入了梦寐以求的年级前60。当然遗憾还是有的，比如差一点点拿到学习标兵奖，比如物理本学期一直没有考到85分以上过，继续努力吧。
In the final exam that just concluded, good fortune carried me into the class top three. Arriving a year late, I finally entered the long-coveted top sixty of the grade. Regrets certainly lingered—falling just a fraction short of the Academic Model Student honor, and physics never once breaching the 85-point threshold all semester. Keep striving forward.
回溯这一整年，有高潮也有低谷。为期小半年左右的“长夜”带来的伤痛至今犹新，而高三的重返山巅则令我欣喜。长夜，似乎是一段遥远的记忆了，而今日的辉煌也不过是明日的过眼云烟。这一切的意义都只是让我珍惜眼前的美好，追逐远方的光明。记得别时时回顾，大胆往前看！就好像鲁迅先生所说：为了忘却的纪念。
Looking back across this entire year, there were both peaks and abysses. The wounds inflicted by the nearly half-year “long night” remain fresh, yet the return to the mountaintop in Grade 12 fills me with joy. The long night now resembles a distant memory, and today’s triumphs are nothing more than tomorrow’s passing smoke. The ultimate meaning of all this is merely to urge me to cherish the beauty before my eyes and pursue the light on the distant horizon. Remember not to constantly glance backward; look boldly ahead! Just as Mr. Lu Xun wrote: in memory for the sake of forgetting.
过尽千帆，犹有万浪。调整一下心情，壬寅年要继续出发了！2月6号即是新四校联考。生命不息，呼吸不止，苏高中的青春故事还在继续…
A thousand sails have passed, yet ten thousand waves remain. Calibrating my heart, I must set forth once again into the year of Renyin! February 6 brings the new Four-School Joint Examination. While life endures and breath remains, the youthful chronicles of Suzhou High School continue to unfold…
高二上 Second Year of Senior High School, 1st Semester
25% （班级第9 Class 9th） 期中 Midterm
24% （班级第6 Class 6th） 期末 Final
高二下 Second Year of Senior High School, 2nd Semester
37% （班级第21 Class 21st） 期中 Midterm
50% （班级第31 Class 31st） 期末 Final
高三上 Senior Year, 1st Semester
52% （班级第26 Class 26th） 期初 Start-of-term
38% （班级第18 Class 18th） 月考 Monthly
23% （班级第7 Class 7th） 期中 Midterm
33% （班级第14 Class 14th） 四校 Four-School Joint
11% （班级第3 Class 3rd） 期末 Final
庚子年四次大考均比较满意
辛丑年则可谓高山低谷，大起大落
希望壬寅年可以保持这学期的上升势头！
All four major exams in the Gengzi year were relatively satisfactory.
The Xinchou year, by contrast, was a roller-coaster of peaks and troughs, rises and falls.
May the Renyin year sustain the upward momentum of this semester!