巨流集 2025 The Boundless Great Torrent 2025 第 12 篇 Section 12
十一-十二月 我逃，但我无处可逃 November–December: I Flee, but Have Nowhere to Run
返回 巨流集 2025 Back to The Boundless Great Torrent 2025还记得大一下学期大物考试前，我一个人在学5一楼的楼梯下彳亍，一边痛苦地记忆着浩若烟海的物理公式，一边悔恨于一整个学期的碌碌无为与在学业上的三天打鱼两天晒网，一边恐惧有可能的挂科与学业警示。就着三瓶咖啡的气血上涌，这种惶惶不可终夜之感，是我对未知考试本能的风险厌恶。
I still remember pacing under the stairwell on the first floor of Dorm 5 before my second-semester College Physics exam in my first undergraduate year: agonizingly committing a vast ocean of physics equations to memory, bitterly regretting an entire semester of squandered time and erratic half-hearted studying, and trembling at the terrifying prospect of failing the course and receiving an academic warning. Fueled by the surge of adrenaline and three bottles of coffee, that sense of nocturnal dread was born of my instinctual risk aversion toward uncertain examinations.
两年半后，室友换了一位，学的东西也换了一批。但依旧深陷相同境遇的我，面对的现实更加冰冷，这座利维坦也越发令人恐惧。考研终于要来了。
Two and a half years later, I have a different roommate and a different set of coursework. Yet trapped once more in the exact same predicament, the reality before me is far colder, and this Leviathan looms even more terrifyingly. The postgraduate entrance exam is finally at hand.
其实细数一下，大学至今的多数硬仗，都是在退无可退、避无可避时去打的，好像真的很少有那种充分准备后自信满满迈入考场之时，这是为什么呢？父亲当年的“三自”里，自信和自学我接住了，自律那一自一直是学校代管的；学校一撤，那一自就空了。逃的从来不是那场仗，是备战期；无处可逃时才打，是因为那时候才终于安静。
Looking back carefully, most of the tough battles I’ve fought during college were engaged only when there was no ground left to yield, nowhere left to run. There were practically no occasions when I marched into an exam hall brimming with confidence after thorough preparation. Why was that? Of the “Three Selves” my father once championed—self-confidence, self-study, and self-discipline—I mastered self-confidence and self-study, while self-discipline had always been outsourced to school administration. The moment institutional structure withdrew, that third self collapsed into a vacuum. What I fled was never the battle itself, but the grueling preparation period; I only fought when backed against the wall, because only then did the world finally quiet down.
优绩主义的狂潮下，同龄人的分化已经到了一种令人晕眩的程度。我并不反感优绩主义或内卷，我只是难过于优绩主义下，很难与身处其中的同行者产生密切且悠长的关系。归根到底，优绩主义的胜利者认为其成果是自己的努力所致，而失败者也会默认世界已经从成绩中切开。
Under the frenzy of meritocracy, the stratification among my peers has reached a dizzying scale. I do not inherently resent meritocracy or competition; I merely grieve that within a meritocratic regime, forging close, lasting relationships with fellow travelers becomes extraordinarily difficult. Ultimately, the victors of meritocracy attribute their triumphs entirely to their own grit, while the defeated quietly accept that the world has cleaved them in two based on test scores.
有句话说得好：中国人的优绩主义甚至体现在面对哈利波特里四个学院的分配，喜欢说自己属于拉文克劳。这本身当然没错，但问题是越来越多人在外找不到优绩主义曾经许诺的报酬后，便转而向内：要么自我压榨、要么陷入虚无。于是我惊诧地发现我的同龄人中，现在能谈论爱与自由，文化与音乐的人越发稀疏了。
There is a perceptive saying: the Chinese meritocratic mindset even manifests in Harry Potter house sorting, where everyone loves claiming allegiance to Ravenclaw. There is nothing inherently wrong with this, but the trouble is that when more and more people fail to find the returns meritocracy once promised in the outside world, they turn inward—either into brutal self-exploitation, or into nihilism. Thus I am startled to find that among my peers, those still capable of conversing about love and freedom, culture and music, have grown increasingly scarce.
又说回老调重弹的东西。生活管理、环境探索、梦想找寻、生涯抉择、实务能力培养从来不是一朝一夕的事情，也从来不是领个所谓外界的证书、参加一次外界的考试就能一劳永逸的。我接受考研的筛选，更期待未来人生全方位的探索。
Back to the familiar themes: life management, environmental exploration, chasing dreams, career discernment, and cultivating practical skills are never accomplished overnight, nor can they be permanently solved by acquiring an external certificate or passing an exam. I accept the sorting mechanism of the postgraduate exam, but I look forward even more to the multifaceted exploration of the life that lies beyond.
就是只要人没死，人生就是旷野。但在旷野上疾驰时，都请抱着破釜沉舟的勇气去尝试。世界是你们的，也是我的。终将是我的。
As long as you are alive, life is a boundless wilderness. Yet when galloping across that wild expanse, please venture forward with the resolve to burn your boats. The world belongs to you, and it belongs to me. In the end, it will be mine.