巨流集 2025 The Boundless Great Torrent 2025 第 03 篇 Section 03
二月 毁掉围城 February: Ruining the Besieged City
返回 巨流集 2025 Back to The Boundless Great Torrent 2025为了不给弟弟做被窝里关灯玩手机坏习惯的榜样，于是 11 点就悄悄打开qq音乐开始听歌，但是随着播放列表的恣意跳跃，我的心绪也随之跃迁到与那些歌声相伴的年月了——初中mp3细品，高中智能机偷听，大学耳机速煲（？之前和朋友聊到我爱的音乐就是我学生时代穿行其间的哈雷彗星，大抵如此。
So as not to set a bad example for my younger brother of playing on his phone under the covers with the lights out, I quietly opened QQ Music at 11 p.m. and began listening through my earphones. But as the playlist shuffled at will, my thoughts leaped across time to the years accompanied by those melodies—savoring them on an MP3 player in junior high, sneaking listens on a smartphone in senior high, and marathon streaming through headphones in college. I once told a friend that the music I love is like Halley’s Comet streaking across my student years; and so it was.
今天在姑爹的车上和姑姑、表姐对结婚进行了一些讨论。原本姑姑讲话我是不太方便多插话的，但是我现在想，我晚间所表露的对结婚的抵触情绪，并非源于对婚后具体事务的茫然与无措，实则是我对长期亲密关系的深深恐惧🤯
Today, in my uncle’s car, my aunt, cousin, and I had a conversation about marriage. Usually, when my aunt speaks, it isn’t my place to interject much; but thinking back tonight, the aversion to marriage I expressed earlier did not stem from bewilderment or helplessness regarding the domestic logistics of married life—it was, in truth, a profound terror of long-term intimacy. 🤯
以前曾评价自己的学生生涯是一部部“断代史”。现在回过头看高中时的日记，其中青涩之处简直不忍卒读。而大学的成长也是如此，总觉得月月都有长进，日日都有惊喜。自己尚且自比“忒修斯之船”，我怎么可能期待有人能同时喜欢、接纳处于时间长河两头的迥异的我呢？
I once described my student days as a succession of “histories of separate periods.” Looking back now at my senior high diaries, the sheer greenness of those entries is almost unbearable to read. Growth during university has followed the same pattern: I constantly felt progress each month and surprises each day. When I already compare myself to the Ship of Theseus, how could I ever expect another person to simultaneously love and accept two radically distinct versions of me standing at opposite ends of the river of time?
以前我以为“三观”“人品”这种东西的半衰期很长，且是恋爱中最重要的东西，但是现在我越发觉得：没有共同的生活基础、成长经历，彼此再契合的三观也只会让人“发乎情，止乎礼义”。而且也许是某些经历的缘故，我是很难接受生活上的原地踏步的，即使是一潭死水也想搅得死水微澜些也好。在这种情况下，能始终和我生活“步调保持一致”的女生我甚至可以打包票说不存在（比如，如今山东大学威海校区有多少女生打算去苏州发展？这就已经可以从未来发展角度排除 95% 以上的山威女生了）
In the past, I thought that things like “values” and “character” possessed long half-lives and constituted the most crucial pillars of love. Nowadays, however, I feel ever more convinced: without a shared foundation in daily living and formative experiences, even the most impeccably matched worldviews will only lead two people to “arise from emotion, yet halt at propriety.” Moreover, perhaps due to certain experiences, I find it extraordinarily difficult to tolerate stagnating in place; even if life is a pool of stagnant water, I would rather stir it until faint ripples appear. Under such circumstances, I would almost wager that a woman who can consistently remain “in lockstep” with my life simply does not exist (for example, how many women at Shandong University Weihai currently plan to build a career in Suzhou? That alone eliminates over 95% of the female students here from the standpoint of future trajectories).
然而共同的稳定的生活基础正是结婚所最需要的，也许未来我会拥有之，但在可以预见的很长一段时间里我还会保持横冲直撞的姿态。且正如“我们所热爱的一切终究会毁掉我们”所言，我所生活得越久、经历越丰富，内心中对理想生活的向往便会像宫殿一般不断添砖加瓦，很难想象我达到对感情本自具足的境界，但这似乎也是我心中唯一理想的结婚时刻了。罢了，就让我的人生随外界摇摆、摇摆吧……
Yet a shared and stable foundation is precisely what marriage requires most. Perhaps I will possess it in the future, but for the foreseeable future, I will likely continue charging forward heedlessly. And just as the saying goes, “everything we love will eventually ruin us,” the longer I live and the richer my experiences become, the more bricks and tiles are added to the palace of my idealized life. It is difficult to imagine ever reaching a state of self-sufficiency in love, yet that seems to be the only ideal moment for marriage in my mind. So be it—let my life sway with the outside world, sway on and on…