搏斗集 2023 Struggle on the Cliff’s Edge 2023 第 13 篇 Section 13
搏斗之外 Beyond the Struggle
返回 搏斗集 2023 Back to Struggle on the Cliff’s Edge 2023本文目录 Contents
一、关于真相：我的高三、理想与热忱 I. Regarding Truth: My Twelfth Grade, Ideals, and Passion
第一章 一些关于高三的记忆 Chapter One: Some Memories of Twelfth Grade
“有时我们见到‘当下’的尽头，‘过去’会隐约显得更为重大，因为我们除此再没有别的东西，除了‘过去’，我们觉得再没有什么可以懂得。我感觉我正朝往昔坠落，希望能拥有更多的过去，因为我的未来正变得越来越少。”——阿利斯泰尔·麦克劳德《海风中失落的血色馈赠》
“Sometimes when we see the end of the present, the past looms faintly larger, for we possess nothing else, and beyond the past, we feel there is nothing left to comprehend. I feel myself falling into days gone by, longing to possess more of the past, as my future shrinks steadily away.” — Alistair MacLeod, The Lost Salt Gift of Blood
那是我曾经心心念念的理想……
Those were the ideals I once cherished in my heart…
普高真是太简单了，随波逐流真是太简单了，太不需要思想了。现在想想，好像从来没有发自内心觉得高中生活比初中小学幸福过，即使思想深了许多，世界大了许多。一方面是优绩主义高压下成绩的不尽如人意，另一方面更深层更痛苦的则是“我”这一个体的逐步消解。当我回过神来发现自己思想涣散，文笔枯竭的时候也能够理解了。
Ordinary high school was simply too simplistic; drifting with the tide was simply too easy, demanding zero genuine thought. Reflecting now, it seems I never genuinely felt from the bottom of my heart that high school life was happier than middle school or elementary school, even though my thoughts had deepened significantly and my world had expanded vastly. On one hand, it was the underwhelming academic marks under the high-pressure regime of meritocracy; on the other, a deeper and far more excruciating agony: the incremental dissolution of “me” as an individual sovereign. When I came to my senses and found my thoughts scattered and my pen dried up, I could finally understand why.
在高考前，我总是期盼着高考后的日子。但现在看，原来多痛恨高考这条单向度赛道，现在就有多怀念。原以为自己已做好了充分的准备，真到了这一刻，却不住地回头张望。多少事情倏自发生在我的世界中，我忙忙碌碌去追寻它，却忽略了更多美好的东西。
Before the Gaokao, I constantly longed for the days that would follow it. But viewing it now, however bitterly I once detested this single-track gauntlet of the Gaokao, I miss it today with equal intensity. I fancied myself thoroughly prepared, yet when the moment truly arrived, I could not help turning my head repeatedly to look back. So many occurrences abruptly erupted in my universe; I dashed frantically in pursuit, only to overlook far more exquisite things.
第二章 理想的消逝 Chapter Two: The Fading of Ideals
“那时我们有梦，关于文学，关于爱情，关于穿越世界的旅行。如今我们深夜饮酒，杯子碰到一起，都是梦破碎的声音。”——北岛
“Back then we had dreams—of literature, of love, of voyaging across the world. Tonight we drink deep into the dark; when our glasses clink together, all we hear is the shattering of dreams.” — Bei Dao
至于那些或宏大或微小的目标？顺其自然吧，我愿相信其水到渠成。
As for those goals, whether grand or microscopic? Let nature take its course; I choose to believe that when water flows, the channel forms on its own.
理想这个字眼，在过去光芒四射，神圣无比，在今天却似乎已成为一种可笑。过去空谈理想，距我们的生活何其遥远，遥远得有如天边那一缕若有若无的云，没有人知道自己的这份理想是否有可能实现。直到有一天，我们突然发现，理想太空太大，也就跟没理想一样。于是，人们便把放在天边的目光渐渐地收了回来，理想也就日益地微缩到了眼前。对金钱和名利的追逐以及满足一己之私利的愿望，很轻易地变成了许多人毕生的追求，也就是理想。要说的是，理想太微小了，其实也跟没有理想一样。
The word “ideal,” once dazzlingly incandescent and supremely sacred, seems today to have deteriorated into something laughable. In the past, pontificating upon ideals placed them impossibly far from our daily bread—as remote as a wisp of faint cloud adrift on the edge of the horizon; no one knew whether their private ideal possessed any chance of fruition. Until one day, we abruptly discovered that an ideal that is too hollow and grandiose is indistinguishable from having no ideal at all. Consequently, people gradually withdrew their gazes from the celestial horizon, and ideals steadily shrank down to what lay directly in front of their eyes. The pursuit of money and acclaim, along with the desire to gratify immediate personal interest, effortlessly turned into the lifelong quest of many—that is, their “ideal.” Yet the truth is that when an ideal becomes too minuscule, it is likewise indistinguishable from having no ideal at all.
现在想来，无论是初一时来到园区校还是高一时来到苏高中，我总要经历一个王小波所言“被锤”的过程，可是我刚进学校之际，总以为自己是生猛的初生牛犊，且会一直这么生猛下去。但我们中的很大一部分人其实对理想的想象是极为幼稚的，这种脆弱的想象会让我在几次受挫后感慨：我的人生迷茫而停滞了。这也正是当代青年的最大担忧：我们的理想常被现实轻易击碎，所谓沉舟侧畔千帆过，人人都不希望成为那个一地鸡毛里的失意者。
Reflecting now, whether arriving at SIP Campus in seventh grade or entering Suzhou High School in tenth, I always had to undergo the process that Wang Xiaobo famously termed “being hammered.” Yet upon first entering those gates, I always imagined myself an untamable young calf, destined to remain fiercely vital forever. But a vast portion of us harbor an exceedingly naive conception of ideals; this fragile fantasy leads one, after a few bruising setbacks, to lament that one’s life has stalled in bewildering stagnation. This is precisely the foremost anxiety of contemporary youth: our ideals are routinely shattered by reality with casual ease; as the proverb goes, “A thousand sails pass by the sunken ship,” and no one wishes to end up as the defeated soul adrift in a wasteland of domestic feathers.
那么，作为莘莘学子的一员，我们该怎样才能变得幸福？现在看，方法唯有自洽。自洽，在我看来不代表着我对生活的逃避，在我看来更是一种对生活的抵抗。让自己的前后逻辑能接续而自适，这也就够了。回头看看，其实你才是自己的月亮。月亮掀起你内心的潮汐，可是你自己却是自己翻腾向上的力量。
How then, as one member among countless earnest scholars, can we achieve happiness? Viewed today, the only salvation is self-consistency. Self-consistency, in my eyes, does not represent a retreat from life; rather, it constitutes an act of defiance against it. To allow one’s internal logic to remain unbroken and serenely integrated—that is enough. Look back: you alone are your own moon. The moon may pull the tidal surges within your heart, but you yourself are the surging upward power.
第三章 永远热忱，永远认真（2022生日文自引改写） Chapter Three: Forever Passionate, Forever Earnest (Rewritten from 2022 Birthday Essay)
“我们常常看到的风景是：一个人总是仰望和羡慕着别人的幸福，一回头，却发现自己正被仰望和羡慕着。其实，每个人都是幸福的。只是，你的幸福，常常在别人眼里。”——杨绛
“The landscape we so often behold is this: a person is forever gazing upward in envy at another’s bliss, yet turning around, discovers themselves being looked up to and envied. In truth, every mortal possesses happiness; it is simply that your happiness so often resides in the eyes of others.” — Yang Jiang
未知江头风波恶，别有人间行路难。
Little did one know how perilous the river’s surging waves would be;
Yet in the mortal realm, far greater hardships block the traveler’s road.
十九岁之前，我从未出门远行过，无论是字面上、还是内核上。这是属于我十九岁的挑战。
Prior to turning nineteen, I had never truly embarked on a distant journey—neither literally nor spiritually. That was the trial belonging to my nineteenth year.
何有此言？以毛姆的《生活的真相》与余华《十八岁出门远行》两个结局大相径庭的故事为例，等待着我的青春的将会是什么？两个故事中的“我”面对一切都如此放松，因为“我”总是把眼前的新鲜想像成一些“我”有限的记忆中已经熟悉的过往。而事实上，无论是毛姆的暗中感慨还是余华的剧烈表现，都体现着我们在背着“红背包”、或迷信或质疑着父辈的告诫时匆匆上路时，都将承受我所接受的成长教育的局限：成长过程中正面引路人的缺失。
Why say this? Taking Somerset Maugham’s “The Facts of Life” and Yu Hua’s “On the Road at Eighteen”—two tales with radically divergent endings—as parables: what on earth awaits my youth? The narrator in both stories confronts everything with astonishing ease, because he habitually interprets the novel spectacles before him through the familiar lens of his meager memories. Yet in reality, whether through Maugham’s subtle irony or Yu Hua’s brutal violence, both illustrate that when we shoulder our “red backpacks” and set out in haste—either venerating or doubting the admonitions of our fathers—we must bear the inherent limitation of our upbringing: the total absence of a positive guiding mentor along the path of growth.
于是，我们胆怯懦弱；于是，我们理想感伤；于是，我们轻率鲁莽，殊途同归于一座无物之阵。
Hence, we turn timid and cowardly; hence, we drown in sentimental idealism; hence, we become reckless and rash—all converging down diverse paths into an invisible array of nothingness.
在由这花花世界构建无物之阵里，随处可见的标签化、排斥多元、走极端几乎是必然的结果。因为世界的那些部分对我们来说是抽象的。我们想用身体去触碰真实的世界。但他人的描述先我们一步。名为“成见”的长矛抵住我们，让我们无法向前。若是有人硬闯，那他的精神就要汩汩流血。但往往是想要突围之人，才会有“陷阵”的感觉。所谓安于现状者，内心早就麻木了。
Within this invisible array constructed by a dazzling world, ubiquitous labeling, hostility toward pluralism, and radical extremism become virtually inevitable outcomes. For those dimensions of the world remain mere abstractions to us. We long to touch the authentic world with our living flesh; yet the descriptions of others arrive before us. The spear named “prejudice” presses firmly against our chests, halting our forward stride. Should anyone attempt to charge through by force, their spirit will bleed profusely. Yet it is precisely those who yearn to break out of the encirclement who feel the sensation of being “trapped in the array.” Those so-called contented souls who accept the status quo have long since turned numb within.
我们所以感觉被囚禁，被困住，恰恰证明了我们有突围的强烈意愿和内在动因。无物之阵是精神之阵，精神被缠住后，身体化作的投枪就是我们唯一可用的武器。我们的标枪伤不到无形的敌人，但我们的双脚可以走出这片迷雾。
The very fact that we feel imprisoned and ensnared proves that we possess a fierce desire and internal motivation to break through. The invisible array of nothingness is an array of the spirit; when the mind is ensnared, the body transformed into a javelin becomes our solitary viable weapon. Our spears cannot wound an invisible adversary, but our feet can march out of this suffocating fog.
得知录取结果之刻，我心中五味杂陈。但正如我最佩服的初中女同学的劝诫：“接受一个阶段的结果，心平气和地面对接下来的学习生活。将心气用在合适的地方。”985大学给予我的资源已然绝对够用了，我与其自怨自艾与“外套”搏斗，不如以坚实的步伐试着开辟新路——撞破南墙又如何？至于所谓深层的思考和崇高的理想，那都是后话，它们是从肥沃土壤中长出的花卉，不能臆想着花卉而放弃土壤的垦殖。
Upon receiving my university admission results, my heart was a cocktail of complex emotions. Yet just as the middle school classmate I admired most admonished me: “Accept the outcome of this phase, and face your upcoming academic life with peace of mind. Channel your ambitions into the right places.” The resources afforded by a Project 985 university are already abundantly sufficient; rather than wallowing in self-pity and sparring with the “overcoat,” I might as well strive to forge a new path with solid strides—what if I batter against the southern wall? As for so-called profound philosophies and lofty ideals, those are subsequent fruits: they are blossoms sprouting from fertile soil, and one must never abandon tilling the earth while hallucinating the bloom.
看到这里，给还在中学阶段的大家和我自己一句感想与祝福：永远热忱认真地面对生活与学习，投入人群，成为自己。
Reading to this point, here is a reflection and a blessing for those still in secondary school, as well as for myself: face life and learning with eternal passion and earnestness; plunge into the crowd, and become yourself.
最后送给大家辛弃疾的一句诗，希望诸位与我都能更坦然地面对人生的行路难，共勉。
Finally, I share a line of poetry from Xin Qiji with everyone, hoping you and I may both confront life’s arduous journeys with greater equanimity. Let us encourage one another:
二、现代派作品阅读指北 II. A Compass for Reading Modernist Literature
有朋友在今年諾獎出來以後，拜讀了一下約恩·福瑟的作品，跟我說看不懂現代派作品，問我有沒有什麼簡單一些的西方現代派文學作品推薦，我便把我內心中理想的現代主義、後現代主義入門順序列了一下，不是專業學生、一家之言僅供參考。
After this year’s Nobel Prize was announced, a friend read some of Jon Fosse’s works and told me he couldn’t understand modernist literature. He asked if I had any accessible recommendations for Western modernist works, so I compiled my personal ideal entry sequence for modernism and postmodernism. I am not a literature major; this is strictly one reader’s view, offered for reference only.
1、基礎 1. Foundation
- 荷馬《伊利亞特》《奧德賽》維吉爾《埃涅阿斯紀》
Homer: Iliad, Odyssey; Virgil: Aeneid - 無名氏《聖經》薄伽丘《十日談》
Anonymous: The Holy Bible; Giovanni Boccaccio: The Decameron - 塞萬提斯《堂·吉訶德》喬叟《坎特伯雷故事集》
Miguel de Cervantes: Don Quixote; Geoffrey Chaucer: The Canterbury Tales - 莎士比亞《全集》歌德《少年維特的煩惱》
William Shakespeare: The Complete Works; Johann Wolfgang von Goethe: The Sorrows of Young Werther
2、關鍵的書 2. Essential Classics
- 簡·奧斯汀《傲慢與偏見》查爾斯·狄更斯《荒涼山莊》
Jane Austen: Pride and Prejudice; Charles Dickens: Bleak House - 喬治·艾略特《米德爾瑪契》司湯達《紅與黑》
George Eliot: Middlemarch; Stendhal: The Red and the Black - 巴爾扎克《幻滅》福樓拜《包法利夫人》
Honoré de Balzac: Lost Illusions; Gustave Flaubert: Madame Bovary - 沃爾特·惠特曼《草葉集》艾米莉·狄金森《詩全集》
Walt Whitman: Leaves of Grass; Emily Dickinson: The Complete Poems - 托爾斯泰《戰爭與和平》陀思妥耶夫斯基《罪與罰》
Leo Tolstoy: War and Peace; Fyodor Dostoevsky: Crime and Punishment
（以下最好都讀：
- 英國：沃爾特·司各特，簡·奧斯汀，狄更斯，薩克雷，勃朗特姐妹，喬治·艾略特，哈代，羅伯特·路易斯·史蒂文森；
- 法國：雨果，大仲馬，喬治·桑，繆塞，波德萊爾，司湯達，巴爾扎克，福樓拜，左拉，法郎士，莫泊桑；
- 美國：華盛頓·歐文，詹姆斯·費尼莫爾·庫柏，愛默生，梭羅，愛倫·坡，霍桑，梅爾維爾，惠特曼，狄金森，馬克·吐溫；
- 俄國：普希金，果戈里，萊蒙托夫，屠格涅夫，托爾斯泰，陀思妥耶夫斯基，契訶夫。）
(Best to read all of the following:
- Britain: Walter Scott, Jane Austen, Charles Dickens, William Makepeace Thackeray, The Brontë Sisters, George Eliot, Thomas Hardy, Robert Louis Stevenson;
- France: Victor Hugo, Alexandre Dumas, George Sand, Alfred de Musset, Charles Baudelaire, Stendhal, Honoré de Balzac, Gustave Flaubert, Émile Zola, Anatole France, Guy de Maupassant;
- United States: Washington Irving, James Fenimore Cooper, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Henry David Thoreau, Edgar Allan Poe, Nathaniel Hawthorne, Herman Melville, Walt Whitman, Emily Dickinson, Mark Twain;
- Russia: Alexander Pushkin, Nikolai Gogol, Mikhail Lermontov, Ivan Turgenev, Leo Tolstoy, Fyodor Dostoevsky, Anton Chekhov.)
3、可以入門了 3. Ready to Enter Modernism
- 詹姆斯·喬伊斯《都柏林人》弗吉尼亞·伍爾夫《達洛衛夫人》
James Joyce: Dubliners; Virginia Woolf: Mrs Dalloway - 馬塞爾·普魯斯特《駁聖伯夫》托馬斯·曼《魔山》
Marcel Proust: Against Sainte-Beuve (Contre Sainte-Beuve); Thomas Mann: The Magic Mountain - 弗蘭茨·卡夫卡《變形記》安德烈·別雷《彼得堡》
Franz Kafka: The Metamorphosis; Andrei Bely: Petersburg - 菲茨傑拉德《人間天堂》海明威《喪鐘為誰而鳴》
F. Scott Fitzgerald: This Side of Paradise; Ernest Hemingway: For Whom the Bell Tolls - 福克納《喧嘩與騷動》納博科夫《洛麗塔》
William Faulkner: The Sound and the Fury; Vladimir Nabokov: Lolita
4、進階 4. Advanced Horizons
本人給不了太具體的建議了😢可以找一找各大洲的諾獎作品，龔古爾、畢希納、普利策、直木獎、布克獎等獲獎作品也可以看。只有一點，切忌因為tc風評左右你選擇的書目，講完了。
I cannot offer overly granular prescriptions beyond this point 😢. You can seek out Nobel Prize laureates across various continents, as well as winners of the Prix Goncourt, the Georg Büchner Prize, the Pulitzer Prize, the Naoki Prize, the Booker Prize, and others. One golden rule alone: never let domestic internet consensus dictate your reading selections. That is all.
三、34届金曲流行类奖项前瞻 III. Preview of the 34th Golden Melody Awards Pop Categories
最近补完了21-22年的华语音乐，这个寒假算是把中英韩都大体听了遍了吧，收获还是挺多的。
金曲奖提名名单快来了。虽然真的很喜欢解解，在人生中的许多时刻解解都给予了我人生的乐观与坚韧。但我说实话，这届金曲奖戴佩妮、祁紫檀可能性更大，再往后私心拉拉也更合适，解解可能只能排在我第四顺位。要不是因为新的心跳这张专和冬专、阿密特2同一年，我其实更认可新的心跳对流行性和市场性的平衡。正如去年tia的月亮失眠了，可能收获不了最后的大奖，但我们都能看到她这两年的进步与创新。
我其实更希望祁紫檀能获奖，不是说她的专辑在质量上真的一骑绝尘，只是很希望能用这种奖项给大陆认真写歌的创作者一些激励，内娱的环境对她们真的太难了。
最后，金曲奖太空人你都给歌王了，马拉美再给个歌王不过分吧。
Lately I finished catching up on Chinese-language releases from 2021–2022; this winter break I essentially surveyed Chinese, English, and Korean music across the board, and the takeaways have been abundant.
The Golden Melody Awards nomination list will be unveiled soon. While I truly adore Jiejie (G.E.M.), whose songs have bestowed optimism and resilience upon me at so many junctures of my life, speaking candidly, Penny Tai and Qi Zitan have a stronger chance this year; following them, my personal bias feels LaLa Hsu is also well-deserving, which leaves Jiejie likely in fourth place on my ballot. Had Heartbeat not collided in the same release year as Sodagreen’s Winter Endless and A-Mei’s AMIT 2, I would actually rate Heartbeat higher for its immaculate equilibrium between pop sensibility and market appeal. Just like Tia Ray’s Moonless last year: it might not capture the ultimate crown, yet we can all witness her remarkable growth and avant-garde innovation over these past two years.
In truth, I would love nothing more than to see Qi Zitan win. Not because her album leaves all competitors in the dust in pure technical mastery, but because I yearn for such accolades to inject encouragement into mainland creators who compose music with genuine devotion—the landscape of mainland entertainment is simply too punishing for them.
Lastly, Golden Melody committee: having already awarded Wu Qing-feng Best Male Vocalist for Spaceman, giving him another crown for Mallarmé’s Tuesday is hardly asking too much, is it?