搏斗集 2023 Struggle on the Cliff’s Edge 2023 第 12 篇 Section 12
十二月 沉默的跨年夜两篇 December: Two Pieces on a Silent New Year's Eve
返回 搏斗集 2023 Back to Struggle on the Cliff’s Edge 2023本文目录 Contents
上篇 见之愈广，视之愈清 Part One: The Broader the Vision, the Clearer the Sight
人们常说现代人步履匆匆，只有当新年钟声响起时能喘口气，用半小时回顾一下平凡而荒诞的一年。我们渺小而伟大，无时无刻不在神灵的二律背反中膏火自煎。我们不是流水，只能先是犹疑着，随后又是勇敢地走上了一条未曾走过的道路——其余的都丢在身后，曾经有多少嫩绿的枝条，被风雨被斤斧折断了，如今都早已不知去处。我们越是向前走，我们便有更多的不得不割舍的道路。
People often say that modern mortals rush about with frantic steps, pausing for breath only when the New Year’s chimes ring out, using half an hour to review an ordinary yet grotesque year. Small yet magnificent, we burn our own tallow amid the divine antinomies at every waking second. We are not running water; we can only hesitate at first, and then stride boldly down a path never trodden before—leaving the rest behind. How many tender green shoots have been snapped by tempest and axe, their whereabouts long lost to memory? The further forward we journey, the more forks in the road we are compelled to forsake.
在故弄玄虚附庸风雅的中学时代，我常从试卷堆中抬起头，怀念那个“车慢马慢”的时代。现代人为什么试着去抓住生活呢？我想，许多人们不自觉地亵渎了生活的神圣。人们总以为生命是一口不会干涸的井，但所有事情都是很有限的，多少个迷人的童年下午，回想起来，还是让你感到如此深沉的温柔。一生中你到底会看到几次满月升起？大概 20次，然而这些都看似无限。长大后的我渐渐发觉我作为一个个体的无力，明白了自己似乎并不具备改变世界的能力，而是在一地鸡毛中甚至舍弃了生活的完整性。
During my secondary-school years of pretentious posturing, I would often lift my head from stacks of test papers, yearning for that lost era when “carriages were slow and steeds unhurried.” Why do modern mortals frantically claw at life? I think many people unconsciously desecrate the sacredness of living. Mortals always imagine existence as an inexhaustible well; yet all things are desperately finite. How many enchanting childhood afternoons, summoned to memory, still wash over you with such fathomless tenderness? How many times in a lifetime will you actually witness the full moon rise? Perhaps twenty times—yet all of it seems infinite. Growing up, I incrementally discovered my utter impotence as an isolated individual, realizing I possessed no superpower to remake the world; instead, amid a clutter of domestic feathers, I had surrendered even the wholeness of living.
如果上帝在新年伊始还会屈尊莅临我床头，我只想对TA说：“i know better…but you are still around……”
If God would deign to visit my bedside at the inception of this New Year, I would only say to Him: “I know better… but you are still around…”
今年看的最后一部电影是霉霉的ERAS TOUR，十张专辑的串联好像也带着我回顾了前二十年。现在想来，我的青春里好像几乎没有男孩子的身影。有的是午休时，暧昧缓沉半明半暗的光，我侧枕在没订正完的英语默写上，迷迷糊糊好像快要睡着了又突然把眼睛睁开一条缝，然后刚好看见某个女生漂亮的眼睛和“午安”的口型。初春的我在听《初雪》，仲夏的我沉溺于阿妹的《三月》，早秋的我读着布鲁诺•舒尔茨的《八月》，而深冬的我听着张悬的《最好的时光》，我总在一边向前走一边回头望。
The final film I watched this year was Taylor Swift’s The Eras Tour; stringing together ten albums felt like escorting me through a retrospective of my first twenty years. Reflecting now, my youth seemed almost devoid of male figures. What remains are drowsy noon rests under soft, sinking half-light, cheek resting sideways on an uncorrected English dictation sheet, dozing off on the verge of sleep only to crack my eyelids open a sliver, catching by chance a girl’s captivating eyes mouthing “Good afternoon.” In early spring I listened to “First Snow”; in midsummer I submerged myself in A-Mei’s “March”; in early autumn I read Bruno Schulz’s August; and in deep winter I listened to Anpu’s “The Best of Times.” I am forever marching forward while gazing backward over my shoulder.
但朋友们，眼前的路已经延伸开去，正准备着承受我们的脚步。所行的每一段路，所读的每一本书，对我来说，都是为了更全面更清晰地认识这个世界，从而更好地坦然面对。
Yet friends, the road ahead has already unspooled, preparing to bear our footsteps. Every stretch of road traveled, every volume turned, serves for me to comprehend this world more comprehensively and lucidly, the better to face it with composed equanimity.
“就在眼前，先抓住再说呀！”这一年的日子过得太“真实”，浪漫一路走一路掉，感慨着成熟和灵性很多时候不能兼得，却收获着生活不断崭新的面貌。所幸怀里还揣着二两热情和富足，揣着热烈滚烫的精神在人潮里奔走，足以在新的一年继续当个笨蛋实干家。这一年里一位重要人士曾言：“我认识你一开始在把你一点点读薄，可是最近感觉你越读越厚了。”我想，那些人生的“厚势”大概就是我当下用洋洋千言尝试捕捉的前行的勇气吧。
“It is right before your eyes—seize it first, worry later!” This year’s days were lived with unsparing “authenticity”; romance tumbled away at every stride. I lamented that maturity and ethereal spirituality can rarely coexist, yet harvested life’s constantly renewed countenances. Fortunately, my chest still harbors a few ounces of passion and plenitude, sprinting through the throngs with a scalding spirit, sufficient to remain a foolish pragmatist in the new year. During this year, a significant person observed: “When I first got to know you, I read you thinner and thinner; yet lately, I feel you are reading thicker and thicker.” I suppose that existential “influence and thickness” in life is precisely the forward courage I attempt to capture now across thousands of words.
但愿新的一年能与更多有趣的灵魂相遇……
May the new year bring encounters with more fascinating souls…
下篇 新年不快乐 Part Two: Unhappy New Year
2023年的最后一天，第一次在威海跨年，一个人出门看霉霉的电影，倨傲地徒步而行，在威海冷清的街道上，突然就把霉霉的歌听懂了。
On the final day of 2023, ringing in the New Year in Weihai for the very first time, I ventured out alone to watch Taylor Swift’s concert film, trekking haughtily on foot through Weihai’s deserted streets, suddenly understanding Taylor’s songs in my bones.
与亲密关系中的女生闹矛盾也不是一次两次了，被暗地里怀疑能力过（Z1），被头顶泼热水当面撕情书过（C1），被当成空气过（J1），被造谣言我辱骂女生是“海王”过（G1），被空间挂过（C2)……但是没有一次是像今年一样：我开始自己怀疑自己的内心了。
Friction with girls in intimate relationships has occurred more than once or twice: being secretly doubted regarding my competence (Z1), having hot water poured over my head and a love letter torn up to my face (C1), being treated as thin air (J1), having rumors spread that I insulted girls as “players” (G1), being publicly exposed on Qzone feeds (C2)… Yet never before has it been like this year: I have begun to doubt my own inner heart.
从来没有一个女生是让我从表白时和表白两个月后评价如此大相径庭的。在表白时，我心中的她是英语高手、科研金牌、运动能手；而如今，则是一个巧借文化属性装点门面的“空心人”、“小公主”。
Never has there been a girl whose evaluation shifted so diametrically between the moment of confession and two months later. At the confession, in my heart she was an English virtuoso, an academic competition gold medalist, an athletic talent; today, she has become an “empty person,” an entitled “little princess” borrowing cultural affectations to varnish an empty facade.
霉霉早年便是以情歌出名，现在以此心境听歌，竟增生几分夺门而出的苦闷来。这次分手其实没和朋友们分享太多。我不想找人再聊谈恋爱的事了，我觉得实在是没什么人能解决我的问题。
Taylor Swift rose to fame in her early years through love ballads; listening to them now with this mindset only breeds a claustrophobic urge to burst through the doors. I didn’t share much about this breakup with friends. I no longer wish to talk to anyone about romance; I feel practically nobody can resolve my quandary.
“是在相处中突然觉得不合适的。”一直以为这个说法是敷衍，直到真的遇到了这种感觉，才发现原来两个人都这么觉得了。不得不说，谈恋爱真的很要脑子。两个人怎么才能过得好舒服的过下去？这个问题挺难的。
“We just suddenly realized we weren’t right for each other while spending time together.” I had always dismissed this phrasing as a perfunctory excuse, until I personally tasted that sensation, discovering that both parties genuinely felt the same way. It must be said: romance demands immense cognitive labor. How can two individuals live together comfortably and well? That question is exceedingly hard.
好想回到中学，回到初中高中那种简单的快乐。人在最无助的时候果然还是想依赖最起点的那个人，即便物是人非。给前任们道个歉，以前很多事情想简单了，对不起。
How I long to return to middle school—to return to that uncomplicated joy of junior high and high school. When most helpless, a person truly yearns to lean on the one who stood at the absolute origin, even if landscapes and faces have irrevocably changed. My apologies to my exes: in the past, I oversimplified too many things. I am sorry.
电影放映结束后，大雪顷刻间倾泻而下，我在万象汇苦苦打车而不得，身边是一对对喜气腾腾的情侣或夫妻。我狼狈又故作镇定地躲进商场，心里盘算着宿舍里还有瓶云岭维代尔没喝。元旦不出门了。
When the film ended, heavy snow poured down in an instant. Outside Wanxianghui, I struggled in vain to hail a cab, flanked by cheerful couples and married partners radiating holiday bliss. Flustered yet feigning composure, I retreated into the shopping mall, calculating in my head that back in the dorm room a bottle of Inniskillin Vidal ice wine remained unopened. I am not stepping out on New Year’s Day.