光阴集 2024 The Gilded Years 2024 第 11 篇 Section 11
十一月 抑郁的阴云 November: The Dark Clouds of Depression
返回 光阴集 2024 Back to The Gilded Years 2024或许，牯岭街是一个我需要时常回去看看的地方。
Perhaps Guling Street is a place I need to revisit periodically.
我时常因为没有想明白存活于世的意义，或者说是我的价值，而陷入格外的痛苦和焦灼。面对他人的成就让我陷入无限的内耗。我深知，不一定是这样的生活才有意义。当我变得和他们一样优秀，也许我会更加焦虑，这绝对不是我想要的。
I frequently plunge into extraordinary anguish and anxiety because I have failed to decipher the meaning of my existence—or rather, my worth. Witnessing the achievements of peers hurls me into bottomless cycles of internal friction. I know full well that meaning does not exclusively reside in that lifestyle. Were I to become as accomplished as they are, I might become even more frantic—and that is unequivocally not what I desire.
我不甘心平庸、碌碌无为、看得到头的生活，却因为人生无意义而缺乏前进的斗志。假想有一天我出人头地，可那又能怎么样呢？我对恋爱脑，将活着的意义寄托在伴侣身上，感到悲哀；同时也为自己甚至找不到活着的意义而悲哀。
I refuse to settle for mediocrity, aimlessness, and a life whose horizons can be surveyed in a single glance, yet I lack the fighting resolve to charge ahead because life feels inherently meaningless. Suppose one day I rise to prominence—what of it? I pity the lovesick who outsource their entire reason for living to a romantic partner, yet I pity myself even more for failing to locate any reason for living whatsoever.
对于爱，我对所有人说：“I don’t care”，但我深知我是最需要它的人。21岁了，我好像改变了很多，但依旧没有找到真正的自己。表面完好，底下依旧是溃烂的血泡。
When it comes to love, I declare to everyone, “I don’t care,” yet I know in my bones that I am the one who craves it most. At twenty-one, I seem to have evolved significantly, yet I have still failed to locate my authentic self. Flawless on the surface; underneath, a weeping cluster of raw blisters.
大三最大的感触是，从来没有过这么强烈的正反馈稀缺感。最近的症状：容易生气；生活空虚、觉得生活没有意义、对未来失去期待；容易感到疲劳与孤独；情绪低落悲观、懒惰缺乏主动性；自责自罪想东想西；食欲减退、非常担心自己的身体出现问题；不再按时运动、生活不规律……
The most searing sensation of junior year is an unprecedented famine of positive reinforcement. Recent symptoms: easily agitated; an empty existence, feeling life is void of meaning, losing all anticipation for the future; quick to fatigue and loneliness; somber, pessimistic moods, lethargy and lack of initiative; self-reproach, guilt, thoughts wandering from one thing to another; loss of appetite, persistent anxiety over bodily illness; no longer exercising regularly, erratic daily routines…
哎，要是能回到高中那种纯粹的快乐或者悲伤都能达到极致的时候就好了。感觉自己相比高中，失去了激情，生活越来越平淡，情绪也越来越迟钝。很多时候说是要学习，其实是找个不去面对别的事的借口，不愿意和陌生人、陌生的社会接触，躲在自己的舒适圈里不出来，靠着间歇性从书里或者音乐里找到的存在的意义过活。
Ah, if only I could return to high school, when both pure ecstasy and utter grief could scale their absolute zeniths! Compared to high school, passion has drained away, life has flattened into drab monotony, and emotions have grown sluggish. So often claiming “I need to study” is merely an alibi to avoid confronting other demands—an unwillingness to brush against strangers or strange societies, cowering within my comfort zone, scraping by on the intermittent existential meaning dredged from literature or melody.
“吾欲与若复牵黄犬俱出上蔡东门逐狡兔，岂可得乎！”既识路又疾驱兮，孰知余力之不任。苏高中出来的人，多多少少有些自己曾经的荣光在的，不愿意割舍那个过去的自己。我依旧在寻求被认可，在意他人的眼光。明知不可而为之的勇气离我太过遥远。因为太过于渴望被爱，才会有很多不切实际的幻想。
“Would that you and I could once more lead our yellow hound out of the East Gate of Shangcai to chase the cunning hare—how could that ever be!” Knowing the road yet galloping at breakneck speed, who knows that my strength can bear no more? Those who graduated from Suzhou High School inevitably carry a flicker of former glory, reluctant to sever ties with that past self. I still plead for validation, hypersensitive to the scrutiny of others. The audacity to persevere against impossible odds remains an impossible distance away. Precisely because I crave love too desperately, I entertain too many unrealistic illusions.
我很久没有梦见茨维塔耶娃了，恐怕在未来很长的时间里也不会再梦到。也许，等我真正认识自己，我的人生才会真正开始吧。
It has been a long time since Marina Tsvetaeva visited my dreams, and I fear she will not grace them for a very long time to come. Perhaps only when I truly know myself will my life genuinely begin.