苇草集 2022 Reeds in the Wind 2022 第 11 篇 Section 11
十一月 向下：怀念过去的日子 November: Downward: Longing for Days Past
返回 苇草集 2022 Back to Reeds in the Wind 2022看到运动会直播时本部初一的小朋友，突然有一种黄粱一梦的荒凉感。在某中学教育集团的六年的一幕幕都从我眼前恍惚而过，我似乎看到了那个初一在报到时和父亲合影仰着头的小男孩，那个高一和初恋视频时的少年意气。我不愿告诉他这六年会经历什么，无论是高潮还是低谷，我更不愿再回去经历这六年。
Watching the livestream of the sports meet featuring the seventh graders from the main campus, a sudden desolation akin to waking from a golden millet dream washed over me. Scenes from the six years spent within that educational group flashed like apparitions before my eyes: I seemed to see that little boy in seventh grade who looked up to take a photograph with his father upon registration, and that teenager in tenth grade filled with youthful swagger while on a video call with his first love. I would not want to tell him what he is bound to endure across these six years, whether crests or troughs—and even less would I wish to return and live through those six years again.
对大学真真感到无所适从。我的人生最快乐的时光莫过于义务教育，其次是高三。那时的我们没有出国、竞赛等等选项，那时的我没有遭遇恋爱的折磨，没有感到技能的匮乏，不需要刻意维持社交。我只用做好我自己，读好书学好习睡好觉。
Toward university life, I feel truly and completely at sea. The happiest period of my life was none other than compulsory education, followed by senior year. Back then, we did not have options such as studying abroad or entering competitions; back then, I had not endured the torment of romance, had felt no deficiency of practical skills, and had no need to consciously maintain social networks. All I needed was to be myself, read good books, study well, and sleep soundly.
如今可能是十九年来个人定位的最低点，可能是十九年来个人世界的最紊乱。感觉是高一上、高二下的最坏结合。相较于高一上高二下的挫折，大学的我已无法承受失败。与大学的挑战与困境相比，高考的失误似乎已经不再重要：这只是上一个单向度赛道的结果。它对于我的进一步发展没有任何意义。
Right now is perhaps the lowest nadir of my personal standing in nineteen years, perhaps the most disordered state of my personal world in nineteen years. It feels like the worst possible amalgam of the first semester of tenth grade and the second semester of eleventh grade. Compared to the setbacks of those earlier years, the university version of me can no longer afford to fail. Yet weighed against the challenges and predicaments of college, the misstep of the Gaokao seems to no longer matter: it was merely the outcome of a former unidimensional racetrack, carrying no consequence for my further evolution.
现在的我，不但遭遇学业的挑战，更面临着远胜于高中时代的复杂人际交往和评价体系，每条路都通往一个不同的终点。人生的笔始终握在我的手中，但问题是，现在的我还敢如三年前般肆意书写吗？
Today, I face not only academic hurdles, but also complex interpersonal dynamics and appraisal frameworks far surpassing anything in high school, where every path leads toward a different destination. The pen of life has always been held in my own hands, but the question remains: does the present me still possess the audacity to write as freely and uninhibitedly as I did three years ago?
我只想和他说，用力去经历去感受，用力去做梦，即使梦碎了也不要怕，未来会有更多的梦在等着我。至于这六年的遗憾？没有经历这些遗憾，我更不会学会珍惜身边的眼前人。
I only wish to tell him: throw yourself into experiencing and feeling with all your might; dream with all your might. Even if the dream shatters, do not fear—there will be more dreams waiting for me down the road. As for the regrets of these six years? Had I not lived through those regrets, I would never have learned to cherish the person before me in the present.
那么，转回头，继续向前。
And so, turn your head back around, and keep moving forward.