苇草集 2022 Reeds in the Wind 2022 第 09 篇 Section 09
九月 拾玖岁：出门远行 September: Nineteen: Journeying Far from Home
返回 苇草集 2022 Back to Reeds in the Wind 2022十九岁之前，我从未出门远行过，无论是字面上、还是内核上。这是属于我十九岁的挑战。
Before the age of nineteen, I had never journeyed far from home, neither literally nor in my inner soul. This was my challenge at nineteen.
我的人生大抵可以矫情地仿照希腊神话分为四个阶段：0～6岁在家的“黄金时代”、7～12岁在镇上的“白银时代”、13～18岁在市里的“青铜时代”、接下来便是19岁伊始在山东的、希腊神话中被称为“众神纪元”的第四纪：半神行于地上，现实与神话之间只隔着一道模糊的分界线。那是血色与诡异共舞，恐怖与扭曲齐唱的时代，天使之王纷纷登场活跃于舞台，伴随着灾难和无限的可能性。这似乎与我对大学的认知不谋而合。
My life can, with a touch of theatrical indulgence, be divided into four stages after the manner of Greek mythology: the “Golden Age” spent at home from ages 0 to 6; the “Silver Age” in the township from 7 to 12; the “Bronze Age” in the city from 13 to 18; and next, beginning at age 19 in Shandong, the fourth epoch known in myth as the “Age of the Gods”: demigods walked upon the earth, and between reality and myth lay only a blurred, tenuous borderline. That was an age where crimson danced with the uncanny, where terror and distortion sang in unison, and kings of angels stepped onto the stage one after another, accompanied by cataclysms and infinite possibilities. This seemed to coincide remarkably with my perception of university life.
何有此言？以毛姆的《生活的真相》与余华《十八岁出门远行》两个结局大相径庭的故事为例，等待着我的青春的将会是什么？两个故事中的“我”面对一切都如此放松，因为“我”总是把眼前的新鲜想像成一些“我”有限的记忆中已经熟悉的过往。而事实上，无论是毛姆的暗中感慨还是余华的剧烈表现，都体现着我们在背着“红背包”、或迷信或质疑着父辈的告诫时匆匆上路时，都将承受我所接受的成长教育的局限：成长过程中正面引路人的缺失。
Why do I say this? Take for instance Somerset Maugham’s “The Facts of Life” and Yu Hua’s “On the Road at Eighteen,” two stories with vastly disparate endings: what awaits my youth? The “I” in both stories faces everything with such ease, because “I” invariably imagines the unfamiliar novelties before my eyes as past experiences with which “I” am already acquainted in my limited memory. In truth, whether in Maugham’s subtle lament or Yu Hua’s violent manifestation, both reflect the reality that when we shoulder our “red backpacks” and set off in haste—whether superstitiously trusting or skeptically questioning the admonitions of our fathers—we must bear the limitations of the upbringing we received: the absence of a positive guide along our journey of growth.
于是，我们胆怯懦弱；于是，我们理想感伤；于是，我们轻率鲁莽，殊途同归于一座无物之阵。
And so, we grow timid and cowardly; and so, we become idealistic and sentimental; and so, we act reckless and rash, different paths converging into a single array of nothingness.
在由这花花世界构建无物之阵里，随处可见的标签化、排斥多元、走极端几乎是必然的结果。因为世界的那些部分对我们来说是抽象的。我们想用身体去触碰真实的世界。但他人的描述先我们一步。名为“成见”的长矛抵住我们，让我们无法向前。若是有人硬闯，那他的精神就要汩汩流血。但往往是想要突围之人，才会有“陷阵”的感觉。所谓安于现状者，内心早就麻木了。我们所以感觉被囚禁，被困住，恰恰证明了我们有突围的强烈意愿和内在动因。无物之阵，是精神之阵。精神被缠住后，身体化作的投枪就是我们唯一可用的武器。
In this array of nothingness constructed by the dazzling worldly sphere, ubiquitous labeling, exclusion of diversity, and resort to extremes are near-inevitable outcomes. For those facets of the world remain abstract to us. We yearn to touch the real world with our flesh and blood, yet the descriptions of others always arrive one step ahead of us. A spear named “prejudice” presses against our chests, barring us from advancing. If anyone attempts to force their way through, their spirit will bleed profusely. Yet it is usually only those who seek to break out who feel the sensation of being “trapped in the array.” Those who are content with the status quo have long since grown numb inside. That we feel imprisoned and ensnared proves precisely that we possess a fierce desire and an internal impetus to break free. The array of nothingness is an array of the spirit. Once the spirit is ensnared, the body converted into a throwing javelin is our sole available weapon.
我们的标枪伤不到无形的敌人，但我们的双脚可以走出这片迷雾。
Our javelins cannot wound an invisible enemy, but our feet can walk us out of this mist.
十九岁，若出门远行，也许未来的某天我将对其狼犺之态会心一笑；若裹足不前，内心将无时无刻不陷入无物之阵的虚无与彷徨。无论如何，第四纪终归来了。“接受一个阶段的结果，心平气和地面对接下来的学习生活。将心气用在合适的地方。”十九岁，一个成年后一年、弱冠前一年的年岁，一个骑士断剑的时代，一个半神遍地的时代；一个秋风肃杀的时代，一个万象更新的时代；一个最好的时代，一个最坏的时代…
At nineteen, if I journey far from home, perhaps one day in the future I will smile knowingly at its clumsy awkwardness; if I hesitate and stand still, my heart will perpetually sink into the void and vacillation of the array of nothingness. Come what may, the Fourth Epoch has arrived after all. “Accept the outcome of one phase, and face the upcoming studies and life with composure. Channel your mettle where it belongs.” Nineteen—a year after coming of age, a year before capping; an age of a knight’s broken sword, an age where demigods walk everywhere; an age of bleak autumn winds, an age where all things are made new; the best of times, the worst of times…
眼看窗外，山东的秋夜愈来愈深了，寂静而躁动的秋夜呵。唯有此刻窗外的冷雨，仍旧如千百年前一般绵绵不绝地下着。
Looking out the window, the autumn night in Shandong grows ever deeper—a silent yet restless autumn night. Only the cold rain beyond the window at this hour continues to fall without cease, just as it did thousands of years ago.