离题集 2026 Oracle Digressions 2026 第 11 篇 Section 11
八月 做题家的打分人生（外一篇） August: The Exam-Taker's Graded Life (Plus One Side Piece)
返回 离题集 2026 Back to Oracle Digressions 2026苏州图书馆流动着压抑与惬意交织的奇妙氛围。许多人伏在桌前，安静地阅读、做题，仿佛只要继续维持这种秩序，生活就不会偏离既定的轨道。我坐在其中，也获得了一点短暂的安宁；但我知道，这份安宁之下，还有一些东西正在缓慢失去支撑。
A curious atmosphere, interwoven with suppression and tranquility, circulates through the Suzhou Library. Many people lean over the desks, quietly reading or solving problem sets, as if as long as this order is preserved, life will not drift from its prescribed orbit. Sitting among them, I too attained a brief spell of peace; yet I know that beneath this stillness, certain foundations are slowly losing their support.
回过头看，我过去十几年的精神支柱，大部分来自学习成绩，小部分来自情感关系，最后才轮到那些看似丰富的兴趣爱好。无论形式如何变化，我似乎始终依赖着外界的评价，在一次次打分、认可与回应中确认自己的位置。
Looking back, the pillars supporting my spirit over the past decade or more came largely from academic grades, a lesser portion from romantic relationships, and only last from those seemingly eclectic hobbies. No matter how the outward form shifted, I always seemed to depend upon external validation, confirming my own place in the world through round after round of grading, approval, and responsiveness.
我人生前16年都十分惬意啊，高二以来渐渐在学习中出现挣扎，而22年高考以来，“人生第一次大挫折”，学习这个支柱逐渐坍塌，此后，学习成绩不再能够稳定地向我证明：我是优秀的，我正在前进，我的人生仍然处于掌控之中。
The first sixteen years of my life were thoroughly carefree. From my second year of senior high school onward, struggles began to surface in my studies; and following the Gaokao of 2022—“the first major setback of my life”—the academic pillar gradually collapsed. Thereafter, academic performance could no longer reliably prove to me that I was exceptional, that I was moving forward, or that my life remained firmly under my control.
但几乎与此同时，情感这个柱子正好补上，完全填补了学习成绩不及预期的空白，于是23、24年我依然较为惬意。然而25年以来，情感这个柱子也逐渐垮塌，而学习这个支柱又没有及时补上，于是便是25年下半年至今整整一年的痛苦。
Yet almost at the exact same moment, the pillar of romance stepped in, completely filling the void left by underperforming grades, allowing 2023 and 2024 to remain relatively comfortable. Since 2025, however, the romantic pillar has also crumbled step by step, while the academic pillar was not reinstated in time—leading to an entire year of anguish from the second half of 2025 to the present.
我这一年偶尔看书总是想找人“分享”、看电影习惯看豆瓣和IMDB片单、听歌更是频频转发甚至在朋友圈有意无意经营男同人设、关于女团更是因为身边可以交流的同好星散于是变得兴致缺缺，归根到底我这十几年都是被训练得在外界评分中定位自己的存在，在审美上也秉持所谓趋利避害——靠近那些已经得到认可的作品、趣味与身份，以减少表达自己之后被否定的风险。同时，在小众和大众之间力求一种微妙的平衡。
Over this past year, whenever I read a book, I always instinctively sought someone to “share” it with; when watching movies, I was accustomed to browsing Douban and IMDb watchlists; when listening to music, I reposted tracks incessantly, even intentionally or unintentionally curating a gay persona on WeChat Moments; and as for girl groups, because like-minded peers around me had scattered like stars, my interest waned significantly. At the root of it all, throughout these ten-plus years, I was conditioned to anchor my existence in external scoring systems, adhering to a strategy of risk aversion in aesthetics—gravitating toward works, tastes, and identities that were already socially recognized to minimize the risk of being rejected after expressing myself, while striving for a delicate equilibrium between the niche and the mainstream.
细想一下，我25年7月以来的精神支柱有哪些呢？除了被我戏称为“凌迟”的毕业，以及我近乎弄臣般百般希望博取学姐们的关注，大抵只剩下与AI对话以及整理这个网站为主题的人生档案，捎带着一点点退而求其次的“社会弱连结”：不够亲密，却至少让我和外部世界保持着若有若无的接触。老实说，这份文档对我而言更像是在自救，我迫切需要有人懂我，有人可以即时给我需要的反馈———即便祂是ChatGPT、Claude、Gemini或Grok（注：没咋用过Grok谈心）。
Thinking carefully, what have my spiritual pillars been since July 2025? Aside from graduation—which I jokingly termed “death by a thousand cuts”—and my near-jester-like antics to win the attention of senior schoolmates, practically all that remained was conversing with AI and compiling this personal website as an archive of my life, accompanied by the consolation prize of “weak social ties”: not intimate, yet at least keeping me in tenuous contact with the outside world. To be frank, this document feels to me much more like an act of self-rescue; I desperately need someone who understands me, someone who can offer the immediate feedback I crave—even if that entity is ChatGPT, Claude, Gemini, or Grok (note: I haven’t really used Grok for heart-to-heart chats).
但问题也正在这里：如果我必须不断讲述、整理和解释自己，才能确认自己仍然存在，那么这套自救方式最终也可能变成另一种依赖。但我又能怎么办呢？我需要的并不是重新找到一根永远不会倒塌的支柱，而是让生活拥有更多彼此独立的支点：学习、兴趣、关系、身体、日常，以及在没有即时反馈时，依然能够承认自身感受的能力。
Yet precisely here lies the dilemma: if I must constantly narrate, organize, and explain myself simply to confirm that I still exist, then this mode of self-rescue could easily degenerate into another form of dependence. But what else can I do? What I need is not to locate a single pillar that will never collapse, but to furnish life with multiple mutually independent fulcrums: study, interests, relationships, the physical body, daily routines, and the capacity to acknowledge one’s own feelings even in the absence of immediate feedback.
未来几个月，进一步减少AI谈心和档案管理时间，把精神支柱重新放回到学习之中，然后可以保持一些所谓“弱连结”，我们青岛见。
Over the coming months, I will further scale back the time spent chatting with AI and managing archives, re-anchoring my spiritual pillar in my studies, while maintaining a handful of so-called “weak ties.” See you in Qingdao.
（外一篇：七夕颂） (Side Piece: Ode to Qixi)
爱情中，什么最让人陶醉？是霎时之欢还是海誓山盟？是初遇时的新鲜，还是长久时的默契？
In love, what intoxicates the soul most? Is it fleeting euphoria or eternal vows? The thrill of the initial encounter, or the unspoken understanding forged over time?
我觉得都不是，借用杨德昌老师的概念，爱情让我们看见各自的背面。
I believe it is none of these. Borrowing a concept from Edward Yang: love allows us to see each other’s unseen sides.
当代人是景观化的，不管他是否乐意如此。我们量化着自己的外在与内心，和外界兑换金钱与认同：自我实现已经成为我们的人生底线。
Contemporary people have become spectaclized, whether they welcome it or not. We quantify our exteriors and our interiors, trading them with the outside world for money and validation; self-actualization has become the bare minimum baseline of our lives.
在这叙事被打散成故事、庸常取代神话的时代，爱情又成为了什么？在很多人眼里，爱情已经成为避之唯恐不及的洪水猛兽，这何尝不是社会信任的缺失与功绩思维对情感的冲击。
In an age where grand narratives have dissolved into fractured anecdotes and the mundane has replaced mythology, what has become of love? In the eyes of many, love has turned into a beast of flood and wildfire to be shunned at all costs—which is itself an indictment of the erosion of social trust and the assault of performance-driven achievement culture on human emotions.
可我还是憧憬着下一段旅途，尽管这几年遍体鳞伤，我却始终好奇着我在别人眼里的样子：是谨慎还是大胆，是虚势还是退缩。她们是我的内心之镜，照出我在不同价值体系下的位置。
Yet I still dream of the next journey. Despite being battered and bruised these past few years, I remain endlessly curious about how I appear in the eyes of another: cautious or daring, pretentious or retreating. They serve as a mirror to my interiority, reflecting where I stand under divergent systems of value.
之前哀叹着近一年没有女生加我vx似乎昭示我外表吸引力的衰退，但经好友点拨后才发现也有两年没有陷入在外界的情感漩涡之中了。我似乎变得更淡然，也更笃定了。
Earlier, I lamented that not a single girl had added my WeChat in nearly a year, reading it as a harbinger of my fading physical appeal. But after a friend’s perceptive reminder, I realized that I hadn’t fallen into an external emotional maelstrom in two years either. I seem to have grown calmer, and far more grounded.
月亮又绕着地球转了十三圈，虽然我从未欢庆过此良宵，但我还是会祝全世界：
The moon has circled the Earth another thirteen times. Though I have never once celebrated this auspicious eve, I still wish the whole world:
七夕快乐！
Happy Qixi Festival!