巨流集 2025 The Boundless Great Torrent 2025 第 07 篇 Section 07
六月 考研200天手记 June: Notes on 200 Days to the Postgraduate Exam
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“虽然你们想要的东西呢天生没有，但也是可以靠努力的嘛，加油！”
“Even if you weren’t born with the things you desire, you can still achieve them through hard work. Keep going!”
今天是三年前高考的日子。还是想感叹一下当时的富有，有热情，有理想，有选择的权利，感叹一下当时一念之间的选择却让现在的学习生活变得这么难这么累。2025年的我依然会感慨：有自己热爱且擅长的东西，认真的样子真的很迷人，这是我最想成为的人。
Today marks the anniversary of the Gaokao three years ago. I still cannot help but marvel at how rich I was back then—endowed with passion, ideals, and the right to choose; nor can I help but sigh over how a single split-second choice made back then rendered my current academic life so arduous and exhausting. The version of me in 2025 still observes: having something you genuinely love and excel at, and being entirely absorbed in it, is truly mesmerizing; that is the kind of person I most aspire to be.
这一年半里，我迅速感觉到自己的“贬值”——我最大的价值，其实是时间，因为年级渐长而显得没有竞争力了。我在情感中所付出的代价与时间却不可胜计，还是要多建构些值得称道的东西啊。
Over these past eighteen months, I have rapidly felt myself “depreciating”—my greatest asset was, in truth, time, yet as my years advanced, it felt increasingly stripped of competitive edge. The time and emotional price I paid in romance were beyond reckoning; I really must construct more tangible things worthy of praise.
如今在山威过着一种诡异的、放松又紧绷的生活。电子系的同学们从学6换宿舍到学5，而我独自安坐于一楼的两人间，一种恰似初三的体验跨过六年悄然击中了我。回忆起当时初三时自己没几个朋友、对未来很迷茫、喜欢的女生爱而不得、在校园中完全是一个无名小辈，直到考上了匡班才一切有了改观。而如今在大三游离于生活之外，我再次有了一种“一事无成”的感觉。
Nowadays at SDU Weihai, I lead a curious life, simultaneously slack and strung tight. My classmates in the Department of Electronic Science moved dorms from Dorm 6 to Dorm 5, while I sit alone in a two-person room on the first floor. An experience strikingly reminiscent of ninth grade quietly struck me across an interval of six years. I recalled how back in ninth grade I had few friends, felt utterly lost about the future, pine hopelessly for a girl I loved, and remained an absolute nobody on campus—until admission into the Kuang Yaming honors class turned everything around. Yet now, in my junior year, drifting outside the flow of life, that sensation of having “accomplished nothing” has crept over me once again.
近来毕业升学季，有人当兵归来名利双收，有人六月伊始早早保研，有人毅然北漂摘得国一，有人辅修金融入学生会，有人答辩入党喜提offer，而我却在焦虑与迷茫中复习着考研。虽说考上好研究生之后这些问题便可迎刃而解，但这毕竟是远在近一年后的事情。最近有人说我看起来对自己不自信，才会纠结于别人的锦衣玉食吃穿用度，我深以为然。
With graduation and postgrad admissions season upon us, some have returned from military service crowned with glory and fortune; some secured early recommendations for postgraduate study as June began; some ventured to Beijing and clinched national first prizes; some minored in finance and entered student councils; while others defended their theses, joined the Party, and landed great job offers. I, meanwhile, find myself grinding for the postgraduate entrance examination engulfed in anxiety and bewilderment. Granted, getting into a prestigious graduate program might solve all these problems in one fell swoop, but that lies nearly a full year away. Someone recently told me that I seem insecure in myself, which is why I fixate on other people’s lavish lifestyles and material comforts; I couldn’t agree more.
有人和我说可以考虑出国，出国了就轻松了。然而，富哥富姐的光鲜生活本质上不是因为他们出国而轻松，而是因为他们原本人生就轻松，出国只是一个水到渠成的结果罢了。如果是我出国，应该照样也不会多快活，也许可能和 lhz 差不多吧。
People tell me I could consider studying abroad, that things would become easier once overseas. Yet the sparkling lives of affluent kids are not easy because they went abroad; rather, their lives were easy from the start, and going abroad was merely the natural unfolding of that ease. If I were to go abroad, I likely wouldn’t be much happier—perhaps ending up roughly like lhz.
常常告诫自己降低对未来的期待，专注于手头的事情。然而功利主义的滥用难免会导致自身心灵的自戕，即使是百般压制，然而在失约三年苏州的梅雨季后，一些妙手偶得泛起的潮湿仍会将我淹没得狼狈不堪。当我在聊天框中打下“不可能再谈恋爱”后，果不其然收到了哥们的质疑和哂笑。不知什么时候开始“不谈恋爱”已经成为自我保护的代名词呢？消费主义下愈发明显感受到自己主体性的丧失，而且我找不到破局之法。
I frequently admonish myself to lower expectations for the future and focus on the tasks at hand. Yet the misapplication of utilitarianism inevitably leads to self-inflicted spiritual harm. Even with fierce self-suppression, after missing Suzhou’s plum rain season for three consecutive years, the occasional sudden wave of damp humidity still submerges me in utter disarray. When I typed into a chat window, “I can never fall in love again,” I predictably received my buddies’ skepticism and smirks. When did “refusing to date” become a synonym for self-defense? Under consumerism, I feel the erosion of my own agency with increasing clarity, and I have yet to find a way out of the deadlock.
我能做的，还是只有像六年前一样，克服自我的惰性，希冀自我的提升。翻开考研政治题，三年前的那场梅雨又在我的心头淅淅沥沥地落了下来，我的身边好像少了很多人，最重要的人却一直在身边。希望云开雾散时，ta会悄悄对我说一句：“pzx你真是成长了。”
All I can do, just as I did six years ago, is overcome my own inertia and hope for self-improvement. Opening my political science exam review book, that plum rain from three years ago began drizzling softly in my heart once more. Many people seem to have departed from my side, yet the most important person has remained all along. I hope that when the clouds part and the fog disperses, they will quietly whisper to me: “PZX, you have truly grown up.”